I'm scared to want

So has some of you may or may not know me and tav are trying for a baby. I know right now not the smartest decision but we really want to start our family young. Lately though i have begun to get extremely emotional over the idea of having a baby. I just can't get my mind off my son. I have always felt this void like a small hole in my heart and i know its for my son, for all the moments in his life I am missing out on. I'm afraid that wanting another baby is just my way to try and fill that void I have been feeling for the last 3 and 1/2 years. I love my son so much and i don't regret the decision i made by placing him with his family. My son is so loved. I am also scared of all the miscarriages I've had, that the doctors warned me was very possible with me being high risk. I'm scared that i may have given up the only child i will ever have. Everyday is a roller coaster. I am so thankful for husbands love and support in putting up with my stubbornness cause if he had his way, he would get fixed so i couldn't get pregnant at all. But to me the most beautiful i have ever felt in my entire life was when i was pregnant and i want to experience that again.

I just needed a vent and i will prolly do this again keeping everyone updated on our TTC journey.

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