On March 26, I was blessed to go to the Utah Adoption
Council spring conference. Words cannot rightly state the emotions or
experience I had, but I will try.
When I arrived I felt
out of place and unsure what I was doing there, it was a little terrifying. I
walked up to the table and just stood there trying to figure out where I was
supposed to be. One of the reps noticed I was lost and directed me to get my name
tag and folder for the event then directed me to another table to sign in for
hours for foster, adoptive, and professionals. When I told her I was a birth
parent, she seemed to have gotten excited and thanked me for coming. It made me
feel better about being there. I was further impressed and surprised when she
directed me over to breakfast. I knew lunch was served but didn’t expect
breakfast too.
After breakfast and a welcoming ceremony in the ballroom, I
went to my first session - Opening a closed adoption by Tamra Hyde. I first met
Tamra on the BTG cruise in January, although she was not there with our group
it was wonderful to connect with her then. I was impressed with her story of
reuniting with her son after a closed adoption of many years. This topic was one I definitely needed to
hear at this stage in my adoption journey.
What I learned is there is no “how to...” for open adoptions
or reuniting. We as humans constantly want to compare ours to theirs. We need
to stop comparing, don’t let regrets win. We have so much hope and fear. We
need to overcome the fear. “Isn’t it better for both parties to be completely
open?” Some questions you may ask yourself when the time comes to open are:
What is my role? What is the life I want for them? Don’t hope/want to be a
parent, you aren’t their parent. Just be there as a resource to them. And it’s
ok to want to be their friend, but give it time to develop; you are a stranger
to them. And remember, “What I gave him was right.” Look for the beauty in the
disappointments, the blessings and the hardships.
In the second session, I got a peek into what it is like for
the adopted child through an adoptee panel. A lot of adoptees have a fear of
adoptive parents being hurt in a search for the birthparents. Some also have
anger for “how could anyone give up
their child?” There is also either an Idealized or Demonized version of the
parent that placed the child. One thing that was a question on a lot of birth
parents minds was; how did the adoptee feel when finding out about subsequent
children? I know personally when I was getting ready to have children with my
spouse 3 years after placing I was terrified that my child may feel like I was
replacing him. The panels reply was, “pin pointing why they were placed helps
in understanding why they were placed and others kept.” One of the adoptees on
the panel was also a social worker and she suggested the book The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted
Child by Nancy Verrier. It discusses how there is a vital bound, Physical
and Psychological between a birthmother and child. How even children placed at
birth will retain memories of the separation from the mother, and how these
memories will have an effect on the child physically and emotionally. What I
took from this session is that more adoption awareness and education needs to
be spread for all parties of the triad.
After an amazing lunch and awards ceremony for adoption
advocates in the community, I went to my final session of the day. I was sad I
would not be able to attend the next day’s group of sessions, because so much
healing and buried emotions and memories were brought up.
The final session was presented by Gina Crotts, who is the
founder of Birth Mother Baskets. I was incredibly impressed with Gina’s story
and surprised by how much of it mirrored my own. Gina is also biologically
related to my birth son’s adoptive parents. So it was cool to connect with her.
Gina Presented on “Defending your decision, and why you
don’t have to.” I learned a lot about whom I was then and who I am now in my
placement journey. She made me think and remember the little things I had
nearly forgotten. She shared this amazing quote that has stuck with me and I
remind myself daily. “Courage, dear heart.” –CS Lewis. Courage, Courage I had
in making my decision, and courage that what I did was right. Courage to not
have regrets.
There are so many birth parent stigmas and negativity out
there, and we need not have to defend our decision to any of them, only to
ourselves. She gave us some tips on dealing with the negativity and for owning
our Decision.
Dealing with Negativity
Tip #1: Don’t engage/Stoop to their level
Tip #2: Resist judgment (Not only those judging you, but judging others as well.)
Tip #3: Compassion
Tip #4: Educate (positive or just say no)
“Dwelling on the negative contributes to it’s power.”
Tip #1: Don’t engage/Stoop to their level
Tip #2: Resist judgment (Not only those judging you, but judging others as well.)
Tip #3: Compassion
Tip #4: Educate (positive or just say no)
“Dwelling on the negative contributes to it’s power.”
Owning your Decision
Tip#1: Take Responsibility for your situation and your decision
Tip#2: Set Boundaries ( Know when enough is enough, and don’t take on more than you can handle.)
Tip#3: Face the emotions (it’s going to be a roller coaster, and burying them prohibits healing. Accept them, Feel them and grow from them.)
Tip#4: Bumps in the road (no one’s story is perfect and there will be bumps learn how to handle them.)
“There’s no need to be perfect to inspire others. Let people get inspired by how you deal with your imperfections.”
Tip#1: Take Responsibility for your situation and your decision
Tip#2: Set Boundaries ( Know when enough is enough, and don’t take on more than you can handle.)
Tip#3: Face the emotions (it’s going to be a roller coaster, and burying them prohibits healing. Accept them, Feel them and grow from them.)
Tip#4: Bumps in the road (no one’s story is perfect and there will be bumps learn how to handle them.)
“There’s no need to be perfect to inspire others. Let people get inspired by how you deal with your imperfections.”
At the end of the day, I was an emotional wreck to say the
least. Every time I think I am at a place of peace I realize I still have some
healing and growing to do. It was an amazing experience one I hope to do again
in the future.
